Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A loss is a loss...
I recently read this in a grief newsletter and I agree with the statement. I also agree that each loss is different to each person. My husband and I grieve differently over the loss of our daughter. How our family and friends grieve over the loss of their; granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, second cousin, friend, varies too. I think back to many years ago when a couple of friends of mine had miscarriages, I certainly didn't respond probably how I should have. I think about that often wondering why I didn't. Now that I've experienced loss myself my reaction to the loss of a baby is much different. I know the heartache, the pain, the hopelessness.
I belong to an online baby loss support group and one topic that is routinely brought up is how friends and family treat the loss. How after some time, it could be days, weeks or months that the baby's name isn't even mentioned or the grieving parents are not asked how they are really doing. Resentment and bitterness sometimes sets in and what once was thought of as a great friendship goes by the wayside. Imagine the resentment, bitterness and heartache that is formed when someone says something that is hurtful regarding the baby you lost. 95% of moms in my support group have lost at least one good friendship over the loss of their child, myself included.
100% of the moms in my group love to talk about their baby or even to be asked about their baby. I don't know of a mom who doesn't want their baby's life to seem important, whether that baby is living here on earth or in heaven. I will honor my daughters life any way I can. Even those who may not understand it should respect it and not question it. Reagan was and will always be my firstborn. Because of Reagan's life I became a Mom and Bob became a Dad. She started our "family" and now Nathan has added to it.
Anniversary times have become days of special remembrance, the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a little girl, that same day we found out she had some health issues, the day that confirmed those health issues, the day she was born, the day she died, the day of her funeral, and day that was her original due date. These aren't dates that pop up in my calendar these are dates that my heart remembers. My heart remembers the joy, the excitement, the pain, the anticipation, the sadness, the grief, the hope.
I'm sure any woman that has lost a child has felt these feelings, regardless if the child was miscarried, born still, lived a short time like our Reagan Marie or lived for years. I know each of us, who are in Christ, are anxious to rejoice with our child in heaven.