Mother's Day

For so many years, I struggled to get through mother's day because I so desperately wanted to be a mother and wasn't. It was that horrible feeling just like single people feel on Valentine's Day, chalking it up to a stupid Hallmark money making holiday. Five years ago I became a Godmother to J.P. I was then somewhat relieved to belong to the "mother" category, but still felt that I was sliding into the category, like passing a test because it was graded on a curve.

For many years I knew of the deep pain that women feel who want that blessing from God and don't receive it. People that haven't walked that path just don't know how it hard it is, so be surrounded by a society that oozes parenthood. I didn't join our neighborhood women's group, I loathed being around parents that complained about the nuisances of being a parent and I bit my tongue when people asked when we were going to have children. Being newly married, people just think it's the next natural step, as if that decision was as easy as ordering take out. Yes, I will have one child, female, cute as a button, smart and well behaved. Thank you.

When we conceived Reagan last October, I was in awe. God made me a mother, he blessed us with a child. In January I had a scare, I had some light bleeding. While driving to the doctor, I praised God for making me a mom. God didn't have to bless me with a child, but He did. I would ALWAYS be a mom regardless of the outcome.

This Mother's day was different than any other I ever experienced. I had breakfast with my mom, my stepmom and my mother-in-law. Three moms that wanted to take away every ounce of pain I was experiencing. My husband, who is such a romantic, made sure that I had a beautiful Mother's day card and gift, the perfect gift. I received a heart shaped charm necklace that reads, You are always in my heart, and on the back it reads, Reagan Marie May 4, 2010. Receiving this engraved necklace in time for Mother's day is a wonderful story that I will share soon.

My Mother's day wouldn't have been complete without visiting Reagan at Arlington. Her flowers brightened and covered the fresh laid sod. Small pieces of Georgia red clay sprinkled the area reminding all that the grave was recently dug. The gentle breeze spread the sweet fragrance of her flowers all around us as we sat next to her grave reading scripture. It's amazing how grief overtakes me one minute, so much so that I don't even recognize the sound of my sobbing. I have never felt this much pain. Not only are my arms empty, so is my womb. The next minute I am amazed how peace and joy fill every ounce of my body. I have never been so dependent on God's promises. It's God's promises that make it possible to have hope. Knowing that our sweet little Reagan is praising God and resting in the heavens is truly the best gift, a gift that I receive everyday.

To all the moms, Happy Mother's Day. To all the women that pray to become mothers, I pray that God blesses you with children and I pray the God comforts and strengthens you if He doesn't. To all the moms who have lost children, in the womb or after, I weep with you and pray for God to comfort you.

Fields of Joy

The sun is rising and my heart aches with tremendous sorrow yet my heart is filled with unbelievable joy. Today is the day we will bury our Daughter, Reagan Marie. Although I have never heard Reagan laugh, I walked into her room this morning and heard a child's giggle. How can I let my heart ache so much when God gives me such comfort?
There have been so many little and big gifts from God this week. He continues to strengthen me and wow me.
As our journey continues I reflect back on who I was before February 18 (the day we found out we were having a little girl and that she would need God's healing hand) and the person I am now. I also reflect on how God gave us and continues to give us the strength and grace we need.


We love you our sweet little Reagan. You have touched so many lives, your life in my womb, the precious 21 minutes we had with you and now in the arms of Jesus. The outpouring of love for you is unmeasurable. We are so proud of you and greatly honored to be your parents. Thank you God for choosing us!

Our little angel is playing in the fields of joy in heaven, giggling away.


And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Our Reagan is in Heaven

I can't begin to describe the sorrow I feel that our Reagan is no longer with us. I can't begin to describe the joy I feel knowing she is with our Lord and Savior. Jesus welcoming her with open arms.
Our sweet Reagan was born on May 4 at 10:03 am, we had 21 most precious minutes with her, until 10:24am.


Please see the following link for visitation and memorial service. It should be updated by Thursday morning.

Visitation will be Friday, May 7, from 6-8 PM at H. M. Patterson Funeral Home, 4550 Peachtree Road Northeast, Atlanta. At Dunwoody Community Church, a Memorial Service celebrating the life of Reagan Marie Baima will begin at her birth time, 10:03 AM, Saturday, May 8. Following the service and internment, a reception for family and friends will be held at Dunwoody Community Church.

http://www.hmpattersonoglethorpe.com/dm20/en_US/locations/49/4946/index.page

Feeling the life within me

A few weeks after Reagan was diagnosed, one of my prayers was that Bob would be able to feel her kick, really kick. Reagan is usually really active around my bed time and around 3am. Two time frames that probably aren't the best to get a loving spouse to patiently wait for the next kick. Well, things have changed in the past couple of weeks, Reagan will kick or move upon hearing Bob's voice (when he talking to my belly) and several times throughout the day. Kicking enough that Bob only has to wait a few seconds and pow! It's such a blessing to see the smile on his face and the look in his eyes to feel his daughter connecting with him. Thank you God for these wonderful blessings!

Is it too much to ask?

From the outside appearance, I look like the average third trimester pregnant lady. I get the questions of when are you due, what are you having? Other moms, who I don't know, saying "oh, you have prom to look forward to and her wedding." It's really hard to just to keep smiling and say yes, that will be great. Some days I just don't have the energy to tell them that I will be lucky if my little girl makes it to term or how over the top I will feel if I get to take her home. I haven't even given it a thought about Reagan going to prom or getting married, my thoughts are just about her making it one more day. Although they don't know of Reagan's diagnosis, I must say it's nice that women share in the excitement of a woman being pregnant.
What's not so nice is when you go your regular OB doctors office and meet a new doctor and for some reason they haven't bothered to look at your chart, so they have no idea that our daughter has a fatal diagnosis. So they go along with the usual heart rate check (where hearing her heart beat is music to my ears and I that I am so fearful of the day that I don't hear it) along with measurement of my growing tummy (where I am normal according to the chart, but since the Doctor hasn't read my chart she doesn't realize that Reagan is two weeks behind in growth and that I am on the high side of normal for excess amniotic fluid). So for this Dr. everything seems great until I ask her if she has read my chart and if she is aware of Reagan having Trisomy 18. No, she answers. I then proceed to inform her what she should have already read.
Going to the doctors office is one place that I feel like I shouldn't have to explain everything over and over. It should be a safe place, a place where I don't have to pretend that everything is great. They should realize how hard it is to sit in a room full of pregnant women who are busy planning their child's nursery. They should know that I am not having a tough time choosing which shade of pink to decorate the nursery but instead choosing which dress I would want Reagan to wear for her funeral.
I am not asking them for sympathy, I am simply asking them to know my medical history, our daughter's diagnosis and to have a bit of compassion to what we are going through. Is that too much to ask?

Maternity Photos

Some of our maternity photos are on Oana's blog. Wow, not only does she have extreme talent, she's a joy to work with. If you are in need of an updated family photo, give her a call.

http://shutterviewphoto.blogspot.com/

Lastest Doctor's Apt.

Time flies, already I am 28 weeks pregnant and several weeks have past since I have posted anything. I realized two days ago that I have just been wanting everything to be "fine" and that my "fine" may just be of a different reality and that God will prepare me for it.
Our last doctor's visit was April 8, to see Dr. Trevett the perinatal specialist. It's always so special to see Reagan moving on the u/s screen. Our little girl just dances around. Although that might a bit frustrating for the tech to be able get accurate readings, it's a blessing that she is so active. Reagan is growing, so is mommy. If you haven't seen me in a while, then you will be quite surprised how I have grown. Part of that is due to that I am on the high side of normal for amniotic fluid. A common side effect from Trisomy 18. So we are praying that I stay within normal ranges and/or that having extra fluid doesn't cause any issues (pre-term labor). Draining the excess fluid would be too risky for Reagan and me.
I am constantly amazed at medical technology and how they are able to get an approximately weight for Reagan. She is weighing in at 1 lb and 10 oz. She is growing which is a blessing.
Starting at 30 weeks we will start to visit the dr. every week, some weeks for ultrasounds and other weeks for regular check ups. I passed the glucose test, so I can have donuts for breakfast. YEAH! Thinking that will only happen about once a month, if that. Besides Krisy Kreme is 17 minutes from my house.