Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Scripture that blesses twice

During my pregnancy I didn't have the unusual food cravings that most women have. Instead, I developed a craving for really long hot showers. I am positive that our water bill increased by 15% during my pregnancy. Sorry, dear. I am thankful we weren't on some kind of water restriction, because the hormones would have me talking to the city officials.

In our bathroom, in view from the shower, we have a plaque that says:

Love never fails

Those words you hear often at a wedding ceremony, taken from 1 Corinthians 13. Wonderful words to reminisce and focus on in a marriage. So often when giving into my long hot shower craving, I would focus on the plaque reading those words and how they related to my relationship with my unborn daughter.

Love always PROTECTS, I will not terminate my pregnancy.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward. Psalm 127:3

Love always TRUSTS, I will trust that God will only do things that will glorify Him.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

Love always HOPES, I will continue to hope for healing for Reagan here on earth or in heaven.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

Love always PERSEVERES, I will continue to protect, trust, hope and love Reagan.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

The long hot showers may have ended but my thoughts of Reagan continue when I see this plaque. How nice it was that God gave me a daily reminder of what He was entrusting me to do.

Love never fails, never...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bedtime Stories

A month or so before Reagan was born I stopped at Barnes & Noble and picked up a few childrens books. I bought My Story Bible, On the Night You Were Born and God Gave Us You. I knew I probably wouldn't be given the chance to tuck her in her own crib and read her a story before going to sleep. My only opportunity would be to read to her before she was born. So many times I would sit in the glider in her room reading to her. Rarely could I make it through a book without crying. I hoped she could hear me whispering the words to her because sometimes it was just to hard to read them out loud.

Reagan's footprints are printed on the inside cover of God Gave Us You. It's such a tender story of a baby bear and how the bear came to be. To us it's a gentle reminder how God blessed us with Reagan, God chose us specifically to be her parents. I still love to read this book whether at home or at Reagan's grave site. Such joy there is to open this book at see her little footprints. Those footprints say to me, she was here. We will never have the opportunity to take more pictures, create more memories with her (until we join her in heaven). All we have is what we have already experienced. God gave us Reagan, to protect her, to love her, and to give her back. Although our story has lots of suffering and heartache, it has a very happy ending.

We miss and love you our sweet Reagan.

1 Thessalonians 3:6
But Timothy has just now come to us from you and has brought good news about your faith and love. He has told us that you always have pleasant memories of us and that you long to see us, just as we also long to see you.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Reagan's Celebration of Life Service

Some events are hard to plan because you want everything to be perfect down to the very last detail. When that event is your daughter's funeral it's even harder because now your planning in the midst of tears and heartache. After Reagan's diagnosis we gathered thoughts, ideas on what to do to honor our sweet daughter. Perhaps to the outsider there may have been things that didn't seem perfect, but to us her parents, it couldn't have been better. We could not have had such a beautiful service if it had not been for the hard work of our church family and friends. We thank you for all that you have done. We wish Reagan could have know you in this earthly life, but we have hope that she will know you in eternal life.

To listen to the service, you can listen/download here,

If you would like a copy of the service (that includes songs in there entirety) please let me know.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

For so many years, I struggled to get through mother's day because I so desperately wanted to be a mother and wasn't. It was that horrible feeling just like single people feel on Valentine's Day, chalking it up to a stupid Hallmark money making holiday. Five years ago I became a Godmother to J.P. I was then somewhat relieved to belong to the "mother" category, but still felt that I was sliding into the category, like passing a test because it was graded on a curve.

For many years I knew of the deep pain that women feel who want that blessing from God and don't receive it. People that haven't walked that path just don't know how it hard it is, so be surrounded by a society that oozes parenthood. I didn't join our neighborhood women's group, I loathed being around parents that complained about the nuisances of being a parent and I bit my tongue when people asked when we were going to have children. Being newly married, people just think it's the next natural step, as if that decision was as easy as ordering take out. Yes, I will have one child, female, cute as a button, smart and well behaved. Thank you.

When we conceived Reagan last October, I was in awe. God made me a mother, he blessed us with a child. In January I had a scare, I had some light bleeding. While driving to the doctor, I praised God for making me a mom. God didn't have to bless me with a child, but He did. I would ALWAYS be a mom regardless of the outcome.

This Mother's day was different than any other I ever experienced. I had breakfast with my mom, my stepmom and my mother-in-law. Three moms that wanted to take away every ounce of pain I was experiencing. My husband, who is such a romantic, made sure that I had a beautiful Mother's day card and gift, the perfect gift. I received a heart shaped charm necklace that reads, You are always in my heart, and on the back it reads, Reagan Marie May 4, 2010. Receiving this engraved necklace in time for Mother's day is a wonderful story that I will share soon.

My Mother's day wouldn't have been complete without visiting Reagan at Arlington. Her flowers brightened and covered the fresh laid sod. Small pieces of Georgia red clay sprinkled the area reminding all that the grave was recently dug. The gentle breeze spread the sweet fragrance of her flowers all around us as we sat next to her grave reading scripture. It's amazing how grief overtakes me one minute, so much so that I don't even recognize the sound of my sobbing. I have never felt this much pain. Not only are my arms empty, so is my womb. The next minute I am amazed how peace and joy fill every ounce of my body. I have never been so dependent on God's promises. It's God's promises that make it possible to have hope. Knowing that our sweet little Reagan is praising God and resting in the heavens is truly the best gift, a gift that I receive everyday.

To all the moms, Happy Mother's Day. To all the women that pray to become mothers, I pray that God blesses you with children and I pray the God comforts and strengthens you if He doesn't. To all the moms who have lost children, in the womb or after, I weep with you and pray for God to comfort you.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Fields of Joy

The sun is rising and my heart aches with tremendous sorrow yet my heart is filled with unbelievable joy. Today is the day we will bury our Daughter, Reagan Marie. Although I have never heard Reagan laugh, I walked into her room this morning and heard a child's giggle. How can I let my heart ache so much when God gives me such comfort?
There have been so many little and big gifts from God this week. He continues to strengthen me and wow me.
As our journey continues I reflect back on who I was before February 18 (the day we found out we were having a little girl and that she would need God's healing hand) and the person I am now. I also reflect on how God gave us and continues to give us the strength and grace we need.

We love you our sweet little Reagan. You have touched so many lives, your life in my womb, the precious 21 minutes we had with you and now in the arms of Jesus. The outpouring of love for you is unmeasurable. We are so proud of you and greatly honored to be your parents. Thank you God for choosing us!

Our little angel is playing in the fields of joy in heaven, giggling away.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Our Reagan is in Heaven

I can't begin to describe the sorrow I feel that our Reagan is no longer with us. I can't begin to describe the joy I feel knowing she is with our Lord and Savior. Jesus welcoming her with open arms.
Our sweet Reagan was born on May 4 at 10:03 am, we had 21 most precious minutes with her, until 10:24am.

Please see the following link for visitation and memorial service. It should be updated by Thursday morning.

Visitation will be Friday, May 7, from 6-8 PM at H. M. Patterson Funeral Home, 4550 Peachtree Road Northeast, Atlanta. At Dunwoody Community Church, a Memorial Service celebrating the life of Reagan Marie Baima will begin at her birth time, 10:03 AM, Saturday, May 8. Following the service and internment, a reception for family and friends will be held at Dunwoody Community Church.