Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Grief's ugly side

For several years, more than I like to remember, I have had a problem with anger. Actually the problem wasn't so much anger, but how I handled the anger. Been so angry you could just scream? Well, that would be less harmful than the way I handled it. I threw things, broke things, slammed doors, drove my car too aggressively, and probably spanked the dog a little too hard. I have had to replace way too many cordless phones. I am thankful that iphones cost to much to replace, so I have yet to throw mine.

I knew handling my anger this way was not healthy for my soul or my relationship with God. I knew we, God and I, because we are in this together, had to find a new way. Lots of prayer, lots of deep breathing and becoming a mom changed the way I handled my anger. Although my hormones kept things interesting and heated at times (with myself), carrying a baby in my womb changed my perspective on anger and things that caused me to get angry.

The grieving process has several stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. One does not necessarily go through the stages in any particular order nor does one go through all of the stages. Now that I am going through the grieving process I am challenged with the stage of anger. I don't want to feel angry. I have worked really hard to control my anger and to change my perspective on the things that I got angry about. So being told that it's ok to be angry at God is just troubling for me. There have been days when I have questioned the fairness of it all, and asked, "Why me?" I have yet to be really angry. Honestly, I hope I never get there.

I sort of think of the situation as that with my spouse. Sure, he might do something that frustrates me, but when I think of all that he does for me, I feel so blessed that I can't be angry with him. I feel the same way with God. I struggled for years with infertility and God blessed me with a top notch doctor to remedy the issue. God then blessed us with a child. She's now in heaven and not in my arms. As hard as that is, I think of all the people that are closer to God because of Reagan. I remember a priest who would end Mass by saying, "Let us do all for the greater honor and glory of God." That was Reagan's life, for the glory of God.

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