A Loss is a Loss...

A loss is a loss...

I recently read this in a grief newsletter and I agree with the statement. I also agree that each loss is different to each person. My husband and I grieve differently over the loss of our daughter. How our family and friends grieve over the loss of their; granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, second cousin, friend, varies too. I think back to many years ago when a couple of friends of mine had miscarriages, I certainly didn't respond probably how I should have. I think about that often wondering why I didn't. Now that I've experienced loss myself my reaction to the loss of a baby is much different. I know the heartache, the pain, the hopelessness.

I belong to an online baby loss support group and one topic that is routinely brought up is how friends and family treat the loss. How after some time, it could be days, weeks or months that the baby's name isn't even mentioned or the grieving parents are not asked how they are really doing. Resentment and bitterness sometimes sets in and what once was thought of as a great friendship goes by the wayside. Imagine the resentment, bitterness and heartache that is formed when someone says something that is hurtful regarding the baby you lost. 95% of moms in my support group have lost at least one good friendship over the loss of their child, myself included.

100% of the moms in my group love to talk about their baby or even to be asked about their baby. I don't know of a mom who doesn't want their baby's life to seem important, whether that baby is living here on earth or in heaven. I will honor my daughters life any way I can. Even those who may not understand it should respect it and not question it. Reagan was and will always be my firstborn. Because of Reagan's life I became a Mom and Bob became a Dad. She started our "family" and now Nathan has added to it.

Anniversary times have become days of special remembrance, the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a little girl, that same day we found out she had some health issues, the day that confirmed those health issues, the day she was born, the day she died, the day of her funeral, and day that was her original due date. These aren't dates that pop up in my calendar these are dates that my heart remembers. My heart remembers the joy, the excitement, the pain, the anticipation, the sadness, the grief, the hope.
I'm sure any woman that has lost a child has felt these feelings, regardless if the child was miscarried, born still, lived a short time like our Reagan Marie or lived for years. I know each of us, who are in Christ, are anxious to rejoice with our child in heaven.

Our Reagan Marie-May 4, 2010 10:03 AM

How I miss you! How I long to relive the day you were born. As much pain as there was watching you die, the joy was greater knowing you passed from my arms into the arms of Jesus. My sweet girl you were so tiny, yet filled my arms. Your cute nose and lips so precious. Your hair, brown and wavy, how I love to look at the piece we trimmed to keep, so short that a piece of tape holds it together. Oh and when I think of your feet, I wish I could hold them and kiss them. How fun it was to paint them, to then stamp your footprint in a book and on an ornament. To see your footprints now is just another precious reminder of how much you are in our hearts.

We are looking forward to celebrating your life tomorrow, what would be your first birthday. To think you have been rejoicing in heaven for a year. How glorious must that be!

Our sweet Reagan Marie, Happy Birthday! May you be worshiping while we give praise to the King for such a blessed gift He gave to your Daddy and me. You are forever in our hearts!

We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas to our sweet Reagan Marie. How we miss you! Enjoy spending your first Christmas with the King. Love, your Mommy and Daddy

Poem-Christmas in Heaven by Wanda Bencke

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare
with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description
to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR
or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS
WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

Another blessing-Reagan is going to be a big sister!

This announcement maybe a little overdue, since I am now almost 17 weeks along in my second pregnancy. In the third week of September we found out that God had blessed us with another baby. I can't tell you how much joy this has brought us. Joy, along with a bit of anxiety of our rainbow baby. For those of you that don't know a rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
We've covered some great milestones, making it out of the 1st trimester, getting great results on ultrasounds and tests. However, I know that passing those milestones, doesn't mean that I am bringing a baby home. There is a multitude of things that could go wrong between now and then. I feel especially blessed that I have not had too much anxiety of that possibility. Sadly, I know it is possible because I know of a couple of brokenhearted mamas that have lost several babies. So when you see me, please don't tell that God is going to let me bring this baby home. Only God knows that answer. We appreciate your prayers for our little one due June 1, 2011.

The time in between

Many friends have commented on the fact that I have not posted for awhile. It's not that I don't think of posting. I think of things that I would like to blog about, but I just haven't had the energy. Sure I may walk 4 miles in a day, but to gather my thoughts, write them down and have my heart feel like it's been ripped apart once more is more than I could take right now. Writing has been healing for me and part of me has missed it. The other part of me just doesn't feel having my insides be so raw. I think of Reagan everyday; how it must be like in heaven, what it's like praising God and being filled with joy. I also think about how it would be with her in my arms, how my arms fill so empty, how my heart still hurts so much and how it is learning to live with the pain. This is my new normal.

A month ago today, we said goodbye to our cat Saboo. I had Saboo for almost 13 years. She had been through a lot; five moves, a divorce, two long periods of time when I was in Europe on holiday, a marriage, having to live with a dog (sure Philo is friendly, but he is still a dog), and battling Chronic Renal Failure (kidney disease). Several months back during one of our many trips to the vet, I learned that if I wanted to prolong Saboo's life she would need to receive Sub-Q fluids. This meant that I would either need to bring her into the vet three times a week or learn how to give her the fluids myself. Knowing Saboo's attitude, I didn't think the fluid procedure would go well. I thought she would became a recluse and never come out from under the bed except to take care of business and to eat. Bob and I said lots of prayers and they were answered. It sometimes took some trickery to get a hold of Saboo to give her the fluids, but we managed to do fairly well. I was very thankful.

After Reagan passed, Saboo was quite the companion. She was a true comfort and a great to snuggle with during my many naps. God has great timing and I am thankful that I had Saboo to grieve with. Another friend of mine, also had to put their pet down after losing their child. It's hard to explain the heartache that you feel. Obviously, losing a child is much different than a pet, but it brings the heartache to a whole new fresh level. Feeling the hurt and raw emotions all over again. I wasn't prepared for it. God grace washed over me the days following Saboo's death. I was shocked to see that it had been a month since she passed. I knew she lived a good life and it was her time. A concept I am a little too familiar with.

Thanks for your patience and your prayers.

Advice I would give myself if I had known what I was going to go through

I belong to a support group online for moms or dads carrying to term despite a fatal diagnosis. This group of mostly women have been incredibly helpful. They are supportive, informative, loving, caring and can relate to the heartache of what we have been through or are facing. I would probably be in a padded room somewhere if it weren't for these women.

My heart always aches when a new member joins because it means there is another baby that has a less than one percent chance of making it. I feel relieved that they found the group so that we can offer support, information, and other types of assistance to them. The other day we were asked "Knowing what you know now - if you had the chance to go back in time and give your pregnant self a piece of advice or a tidbit of wisdom, what would it be?"

My first thought was "not to feel guilty; not to feel guilty for the things I didn't do or didn't do enough of." After Reagan's passing I have quickly learned what's like to be envious. Memorabilia envy. We are not talking about the kind of envy when you learn your best friend has an autographed picture of Russell Crowe or owns every movie staring Matthew McConaughey. We are talking about memorabilia that you will never be able to get more of. No more baby pictures, no more foot or hand prints of your precious baby, no more lockets of their beautiful fine hair, no more tiny outfits that they had worn, no more stuffed animals that your baby touched. No more anything.

I quickly learned that I had memorabilia envy when a saw photos of another baby, yet they were in color and the mom had on a regular shirt not a hospital gown. I emailed my photographer and asked her if she could work on a photo or two to see if she could put it in color. Reagan's hand knit dress has beautiful pastels colors in it and I wanted to be able to see the colors in the photo. She said because of Reagan's condition it really was best to have the photos in black and white. By the time the photographer got back to me, I realized that I was envious.

In our group, the soon to be mama has read about the guilt we mamas feel from the things we didn't do. She sees the way we mamas oh and ah over pictures of all the little angels. This soon to be mama doesn't want to feel like she left anything out. I don't blame her.

Here's what else I would do:

Take more photos; during the nine months, during labor, and a million of them after delivery. Have someone in the room just to take photos, so that way your hubby can be holding your hand. Photos of just your baby's ear, head, hand, foot, back, nose, eyes, mouth. Make sure the shots are from every angle, not just from the side.

Talk to your baby out loud. I told Reagan I loved her a million times, but most casual conversations were just thoughts in my head. I wish she had heard my voice more. When I think of her hearing me I think more of me talking directly to her, not me chatting with my mom, Bob or my friends (which I did a lot of that).

Have a blanket or something monogrammed with initials or the baby's name before the baby is born so you can take photos with it.

Don't freak out when the driver of the hearse and/or limo isn't going the direction you think he should be going. Luckily God intervened and told me to chill. It wasn't the best route, but we got there and the service couldn't start until we did. Sorry to those who got lost along the way. Look to see if there are going to be any road closures the day of the service. There was an art show in our town and luckily we did avoid any of the art show traffic.

I was surprised how alone I felt when my hubby stepped away to talk to family in the waiting area or to grab a sandwich from the deli. Have a nurse relay the info or have someone grab him some food. I didn't know I would feel like that until it happened. He didn't leave my side after I told him how I was feeling.



I am really thankful that we did the following:

A private childbirth class. Reagan was our first. I had wanted a non-medicated delivery, plus I wanted to know how to labor. We had the most incredible instructor, who is now our friend. Barbara Negelow with Ready Birth took our situation and made it a joyful experience. She advised me that if I labored with Reagan without medication and being able to rest, that when Reagan was born, I maybe really exhausted and not be able to thoroughly enjoy the time we had with Reagan. I had never thought about the labor as such. I am really glad I had pain medication and an epidural. I was able to rest and be with my daughter and all our visitors throughout the day. I had been awake from 1:30AM until 11:45PM, that's a long day. I also made sure that I was not given any drugs that would make me too sleepy or loopy while delivering Reagan.

A private tour of the hospital. We saw the NICU department and avoided the nurseries.

After delivering Reagan we got those little buttons that say, I'm A Mom, I'm A Dad, I'm A Grandma, I'm A Grandpa. We handed them out to the appropriate family members to wear at the reception after the funeral/burial.

Called NILMDTS for photos. I am so thankful for these photos. They are beautiful and there is not a day that goes by that I don't look at these photos. I have to clean the glass on the frames from the kiss marks I leave.

Bring good tissues; either bring them yourself or have someone bring them. You will not want to use the hospital tissues unless you want a raw red nose.

Bring an eye mask and ear plugs. It's hard enough to sleep in a hospital.

When friends offer to do something, let them. Our church community, friends and family helped us immensely.

Find a point person that is not involved in anything else to be the go to person for your out of town guests. For directions, etc. Have someone print out directions from where guests are staying to the; funeral home, church, cemetery.

I am very thankful that we had Reagan's service planned out before she was born. We didn't have it finalized, but we had songs picked out and had an idea of what we wanted the service to be like. My husband, who is an ordained ministers, wrote the service a week prior to Reagan's birth.

We had all the time we wanted with Reagan. The funeral home didn't pick her up until 10:30PM. We had the gentlemen come in our room to get her. We said a prayer while handing her over. Handing Reagan over was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Don't have the funeral home wash your baby's clothes.

Spend as much time as you want with your baby at the funeral home. We saw Reagan earlier in the day before the visitation. So when we went back that late afternoon, we didn't feel rushed or feel too emotional when greeted with all of our guests.

We had a friend take pictures at the visitation, funeral and burial. Remember there may be pictures you won't want to see now, but may in the future.

I am sure there will be other things that I will remember and include on this list.

Remember most of all, cherish the time you have with your baby; whether in the womb, during the birth, and after. Give your baby all the kisses you can.