Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

For so many years, I struggled to get through mother's day because I so desperately wanted to be a mother and wasn't. It was that horrible feeling just like single people feel on Valentine's Day, chalking it up to a stupid Hallmark money making holiday. Five years ago I became a Godmother to J.P. I was then somewhat relieved to belong to the "mother" category, but still felt that I was sliding into the category, like passing a test because it was graded on a curve.

For many years I knew of the deep pain that women feel who want that blessing from God and don't receive it. People that haven't walked that path just don't know how it hard it is, so be surrounded by a society that oozes parenthood. I didn't join our neighborhood women's group, I loathed being around parents that complained about the nuisances of being a parent and I bit my tongue when people asked when we were going to have children. Being newly married, people just think it's the next natural step, as if that decision was as easy as ordering take out. Yes, I will have one child, female, cute as a button, smart and well behaved. Thank you.

When we conceived Reagan last October, I was in awe. God made me a mother, he blessed us with a child. In January I had a scare, I had some light bleeding. While driving to the doctor, I praised God for making me a mom. God didn't have to bless me with a child, but He did. I would ALWAYS be a mom regardless of the outcome.

This Mother's day was different than any other I ever experienced. I had breakfast with my mom, my stepmom and my mother-in-law. Three moms that wanted to take away every ounce of pain I was experiencing. My husband, who is such a romantic, made sure that I had a beautiful Mother's day card and gift, the perfect gift. I received a heart shaped charm necklace that reads, You are always in my heart, and on the back it reads, Reagan Marie May 4, 2010. Receiving this engraved necklace in time for Mother's day is a wonderful story that I will share soon.

My Mother's day wouldn't have been complete without visiting Reagan at Arlington. Her flowers brightened and covered the fresh laid sod. Small pieces of Georgia red clay sprinkled the area reminding all that the grave was recently dug. The gentle breeze spread the sweet fragrance of her flowers all around us as we sat next to her grave reading scripture. It's amazing how grief overtakes me one minute, so much so that I don't even recognize the sound of my sobbing. I have never felt this much pain. Not only are my arms empty, so is my womb. The next minute I am amazed how peace and joy fill every ounce of my body. I have never been so dependent on God's promises. It's God's promises that make it possible to have hope. Knowing that our sweet little Reagan is praising God and resting in the heavens is truly the best gift, a gift that I receive everyday.

To all the moms, Happy Mother's Day. To all the women that pray to become mothers, I pray that God blesses you with children and I pray the God comforts and strengthens you if He doesn't. To all the moms who have lost children, in the womb or after, I weep with you and pray for God to comfort you.


  1. Cindy, you have been on my mind and I check your blog every day. Your writing is so beautiful and I can feel the love you have for your daughter in every word. Happy belated mothers day and I am still praying.

  2. Cindy, your writing is wonderful. I had no idea you had such skill at your fingertips, full of beautiful imagery and hope. Your blog is something I want to pass on to everyone I know. I'm in awe of your strength, and I wish I could do something to ease the pain you both feel. But I know that's up to nobody on this Earth. I feel the peace that you feel, and I am thankful for it.
    - Brooks

  3. Cindy, I just realized you had a blog. This is incredible moving. I am shedding a tear with you right now. Love- Ann