Every Tuesday since Reagan was born, I was very aware of when the time was 10:03 AM. Today was the first exception. It's been six weeks since my little Reagan was born. I spent the morning walking with a friend and on the way home I noticed it was a little after nine. Ah, I was in labor six weeks ago I thought. I remembered being anxious and excited. The same kind of feeling as when the roller coaster cart starts edging forward on the track. Away we go, no turning back, and no matter how hard you scream, laugh or cry the ride won't stop and yet, it will always come to an end.
When I realized that 10:03 AM had past I was a bit disappointed that I had missed it. I missed not being able to mark the moment and say a prayer or look at a photo of my little girl. I was also thankful, thankful that for once on a Tuesday at 10:03 AM, I didn't feel like my heart was being ripped out.
Time is tricky. On one hand I want time to go slow so I can easily remember each detail of Reagan's birth and the time she was with us. On the other hand I want time to pass quickly because I know the further down the road I travel, the pain won't feel so fresh. Then again there are days when the pain feels like it all just happened yesterday, not six weeks ago.
I think about how my day would play out if Reagan was here. Running errands wouldn't be as simple or as quick. It takes time to get your little one in and out of a car, so I've heard, not actually experienced. I would be running out of diapers and wipes, instead of tissues. I would be writing out thank you notes for baby gifts, not acknowledgments for attending my daughter's funeral. I would be tired from getting up and feeding Reagan during the middle of the night, not because I can't fall asleep or stay asleep, because the thoughts of losing Reagan won't leave my mind. I would have no time to check Facebook or other emails, instead of having plenty of time to read blogs about other mom's losing their children and how they are handling it. My evenings would be scheduled with dinner, bath, and bedtime for Reagan instead of dinner and a trip to the cemetery. If Reagan was here, I wouldn't be asked when I was going to try to have another child. Who would even think of asking a new mom when she was going to have another child when she has a six week old on her hip? If Reagan were here, I would take her with me to Hallmark to pick out a Father's Day card for her daddy. Instead I will be making him one all by myself.
If Reagan were here she wouldn't be in the loving arms of Jesus. Knowing that Reagan is in His loving arms makes my heart not ache so much.
I'll Be There
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Claudette T. Allen